Confessions of a Cherished Wife

My husband and I have been married for five years and dated for three years before that. We have been through a lot together and I am very grateful for the time we have had. I do want to make it very, very clear before I even begin writing my story that I do love my husband very much and have a world full of respect for him. This blog is to help me put my feelings into words and maybe even minister to other women in the same situation.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a talk. He actually brought it up through some events that I will write about some other time. He revealed to me that his addiction to pornography (which I knew about before we even started dating) was not yet completely over and that some parts of it were still present even in our marriage today. Needless to say I was very hurt and upset. I brooded over the next couple of days and then we sat down and continued our talk. I wanted to know everything. He had told me about his addiction about 6 months before we started dating in high school and promised that he was trying to end it. Through our recent conversation, though, he revealed that it wasn't true. He had continued looking at the same pornography for awhile after we started dating. Over time the actual sexual images went away but he still held on to "tamer" parts of it through our entire dating relationship and even into the first couple of years into our marriage. Even some parts of it were still around today. He began to explain how he had been justifying it to himself that I hadn't set "clear enough" boundaries that this was not okay. I honestly didn't know what to do or say. Our marriage had felt sky high recently. We had made it through one of my hardest times together over the last few months and I had never felt closer to my husband. As he revealed each part of this though I felt a huge pit in my stomach grow. I felt so utterly betrayed, violated, and unloved. I felt so dirty, so used, and filthy. And the part that broke my heart the most was that all of my memories of our time together became suddenly tainted knowing there had been a lie right along side us the whole time.

And then he asked me the question: "Do you still love me?"
My answer was yes, but in my heart I screamed "but I sure as hell don't like you right now."

Good evening/morning blogger. It is currently 1:45 in the morning and I sit down to write you my story. I am a young wife and mother, and most importantly, a follower of Jesus Christ. I am here to tell you my story because I truly believe that God is doing and is going to do great things in my life and I want for you to see them unfold.

I have watched so many marriages fall apart recently and it scares me. I wonder how to people who loved each other so much that they decided to take vows to spend the rest of their lives together over time begin to hate each other with such a fiery passion, to the point where they end such a precious thing as marriage. I should say, I used to wonder how that happened. And then the process started in my marriage too.

Fortunately, God is in the process of restoring my marriage. I have confidence He will not only restore us to the love we used to have, but unfold a love neither one of us ever knew we were capable of. Through prayer, patience, and perseverance, I know God will give me the marriage I have only dreamed of, the kind you see in the movies and that people write songs about, the kind that is even biblical, yet romantic (read Song of Solomon if you want to know what I am talking about). I figure there must be something to all of the art surrounding the idea of perfect love, so as I make discoveries about it I will share them with you.

I am not going to write my whole story up until now tonight. But, I will give it to you in pieces at a time to help you know where I am coming from. You see, I am writing this because I am hoping that those who are broken are reading this; those who have no hope, no faith, no energy to even put into their marriage any more. I am praying that people who are experiencing the same thing I am going through right now read this blog and see the hope I have and reach out and take it for themselves too. I am praying that if your marriage is on the brink of divorce or maybe has even ended, that you can read my story as it continues to unfold and know that God has an amazing love story for you too.

I also want to know your story. Please feel free to post it here in any of the comment boxes, or if you would like it more private just send me a note and I will give you my email address. For now, know that you are not alone in your struggles. I may not know everything about you, but I do know that God loves you and has brought you to this blog for a reason. So pray about it, and think about my story as you read it. I promise you won't regret it.

Blessings,
Emily