Confessions of a Cherished Wife

My husband and I have been married for five years and dated for three years before that. We have been through a lot together and I am very grateful for the time we have had. I do want to make it very, very clear before I even begin writing my story that I do love my husband very much and have a world full of respect for him. This blog is to help me put my feelings into words and maybe even minister to other women in the same situation.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a talk. He actually brought it up through some events that I will write about some other time. He revealed to me that his addiction to pornography (which I knew about before we even started dating) was not yet completely over and that some parts of it were still present even in our marriage today. Needless to say I was very hurt and upset. I brooded over the next couple of days and then we sat down and continued our talk. I wanted to know everything. He had told me about his addiction about 6 months before we started dating in high school and promised that he was trying to end it. Through our recent conversation, though, he revealed that it wasn't true. He had continued looking at the same pornography for awhile after we started dating. Over time the actual sexual images went away but he still held on to "tamer" parts of it through our entire dating relationship and even into the first couple of years into our marriage. Even some parts of it were still around today. He began to explain how he had been justifying it to himself that I hadn't set "clear enough" boundaries that this was not okay. I honestly didn't know what to do or say. Our marriage had felt sky high recently. We had made it through one of my hardest times together over the last few months and I had never felt closer to my husband. As he revealed each part of this though I felt a huge pit in my stomach grow. I felt so utterly betrayed, violated, and unloved. I felt so dirty, so used, and filthy. And the part that broke my heart the most was that all of my memories of our time together became suddenly tainted knowing there had been a lie right along side us the whole time.

And then he asked me the question: "Do you still love me?"
My answer was yes, but in my heart I screamed "but I sure as hell don't like you right now."